pen and paper

In truth,
I already knew it was over.
She didn't have to say a word.
See, I just didn't want to know right then.
I wanted to wallow in this
Free
she gave me.
I wanted to enjoy something
That's been missing from my life for such a long time,
That I've nearly become a stranger to myself.
I wanted to shake the dusty doll feeling,
Snuggling up to happiness, even if it was suedo happiness.
Somehow I thought if I ignored the obvious
The switch would click and I'd find myself in something worth while
instead of watching someone else have that experience.
But it's hard to benefit from a fire
when you're trying to get warm by cold ashes.

Yes, I knew, before she touched down in her home town.
I knew before she inquired about my socializing
And furthermore, I knew who'd replaced me
or rather was more accessible than me
and it's not like I was upset
I didn't have a right to be.
We were never together in the sense of commitment
but what burned me up, was that she knew even before I did
and said nothing.
Looking at this year in review,
within this verbal understanding I feel
Like I was the only party keepin up my end of the deal.

"Bi chicks only want dick anyway."
Wow
Really?
Then explain my attraction to you?
Trust, for me this wasn't an experiment.
It's not like you were my first.
But
I wanted you to be.
So much for wishful thinking.
That's what I get for allowing myself to get swept away
In goodness that's out of my grasp.
It's alright though,
I've grown past the awkwardness.
Some things just aren't meant to be.
Some things just aren't meant for me.
And that doesn't mean
I feel any less
It just means I've accepted it
And have stopped wasting time trying
Not to feel at
All
Especially, after catching myself
Comparing me to The Crazy Lady.
Stranger things have happened.
Life, it's never dull.

I would rather have my feelings hurt by the truth
Rather than being happy with a lie.
I don't know why I waited, but I did
Until it had curdled, souring with a faint stench.
I suppose I was trying to prove myself wrong.
But I was right.
It's okay though,
I've accepting you as you are,
For who you are.
Besides there's nothing wrong with the
Friend Zone.