pen and paper

Of all the nights I've had
I am left to wonder why
tonight
I can't seem to find sleep
I thought I had things all figured out
And well it seems I don't
tonight I am the woman conflicted
that I've been trying to smother
all this time
but these issues
that render me this way
can not be deconstructed and broken down
to simplest terms, in order to eradicate them.
They are out of reach
and out of my control.
And I swear when I prayed for peace of mind, body, and soul,
I'd come to terms with this
and
let it go
If I could only convince that determined part of me
that the out come will never change
If only I could truly give up all hope
stop trying to read between lines that don't exist
stop trying to make sense, so as to rationalize the events that have taken place
maybe,
just maybe,
I could find sleep
or sleep could find me
and I could drift off into nothingness
not thinking about the thing out the grasp of my control,
not imagining endless possibilities if things were different.
I was so tired a minute ago.
I need to rest
I wish I could at least rest
even if it is just nothingness
because that nothingness
has got to be better than what I'm feeling now.