pen and paper
Sunday, July 31, 2005
I'm a depressing depressive
And I've been racking my brain as to the
Hows and whys.
It's not like I wanted to end up this way.
It never was fun being lonely.
I've visited that place so often it's like my second home,
cold, dark and dank.
It sometimes feels like happiness was never meant for me.
See because when I'm happy
Joy overflows my cup in a sudden gush and oddly,
Though it never lasts long enough for my memory to fill
with the sights and sounds of what its like,
to embrace it
Feel its warmth long after it's left and I've moved on to another.
I still yearn to sip its nectar
but no, that's not how it is for me.
It seems that in this particular aspect of life
I'm severely handicapped
Maybe it has something to do with the fact I like to share my joy
to announce my happiness
Maybe that's why it continuously slips through my fingers.
The thing is, it doesn't take much to make me happy.
Maybe that's the problem?
Since this sensation rarely occurs
I grab at what I can and make the best of it
Maybe that's the problem.
But then every now and again I catch a glimpse of myself
Reflecting from a mirror and realize I'm not getting any younger
And that I'm not any closer to what I want and need
Than I was twenty years ago
My people skills are worsening and
I've practiced this false smile so much
I barely remember my real one.
I'm a depressing depressive
And after much consideration and penning all this out
I think I understand a little more of why I'm by myself and lonely.
Despite all of this, despite my various faults
I have hope
And I continue to strive for something greater than me.
Apparently that's rare.
And what's even rarer?
That there are few people out there like me
Who do the best they can with what they have
Who make the best of a bad situation
Who, no matter what shit is slung in their faces
Or how many twists and turns there are in the road of life,
They continue on to that ultimate goal
To succeed.
And often that road is a lonely one.
And often I wish it didn't have to be.
But maybe one day it won't be.
I supposed I just have to keep walking and see.
And I've been racking my brain as to the
Hows and whys.
It's not like I wanted to end up this way.
It never was fun being lonely.
I've visited that place so often it's like my second home,
cold, dark and dank.
It sometimes feels like happiness was never meant for me.
See because when I'm happy
Joy overflows my cup in a sudden gush and oddly,
Though it never lasts long enough for my memory to fill
with the sights and sounds of what its like,
to embrace it
Feel its warmth long after it's left and I've moved on to another.
I still yearn to sip its nectar
but no, that's not how it is for me.
It seems that in this particular aspect of life
I'm severely handicapped
Maybe it has something to do with the fact I like to share my joy
to announce my happiness
Maybe that's why it continuously slips through my fingers.
The thing is, it doesn't take much to make me happy.
Maybe that's the problem?
Since this sensation rarely occurs
I grab at what I can and make the best of it
Maybe that's the problem.
But then every now and again I catch a glimpse of myself
Reflecting from a mirror and realize I'm not getting any younger
And that I'm not any closer to what I want and need
Than I was twenty years ago
My people skills are worsening and
I've practiced this false smile so much
I barely remember my real one.
I'm a depressing depressive
And after much consideration and penning all this out
I think I understand a little more of why I'm by myself and lonely.
Despite all of this, despite my various faults
I have hope
And I continue to strive for something greater than me.
Apparently that's rare.
And what's even rarer?
That there are few people out there like me
Who do the best they can with what they have
Who make the best of a bad situation
Who, no matter what shit is slung in their faces
Or how many twists and turns there are in the road of life,
They continue on to that ultimate goal
To succeed.
And often that road is a lonely one.
And often I wish it didn't have to be.
But maybe one day it won't be.
I supposed I just have to keep walking and see.
posted by *LadieFire* at 11:44 AM
2 Comments:
It s a tough insight but it is probably very close to the truth. what i experienced though, is that there are many more people out there who feel like you and I dare to say, I as well, but they hide it - as well!- behind that smile...the practiced one. after all we all long out for this other individual, this other loneliness to come and heal our own loneliness.
i love your words, they dripped like honey...bitter and full of sweet herbal summer warmth....
the turn in the end was somewhat surprising but it shows that a mature sould is sitting behind the PC screen...or mac screen ;-))
all the fire love to you out there somewhere!
piranha
First off, I would love to thank you for stoping by my place. Its good to have someone be direct and honest. I also enjoy your blog. Those words are the truth. I know I been through that more times than I care to say. I added you to my list. I will keep coming back.
Mah
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