pen and paper

as I crested the hill
a feeling of accomplishment came over me
I had finished something
I'd reached the top

through the harsh winds
I made it through
through the heavy rains
I made it through
through it all
I made it through

But my journey is far from over
I just crested the hill

Tori Amos' Girl
echoes in my ears

"She's been everybody else's girl.
Maybe one day she'll be her own."

Will I?
I took on that hill, because it was expected.
I was doing what I was supposed to do.
I'm a good girl.
I follow the rules.
And I've been told, based on that
I'm going places.

I'd just like to know when this is supposed to happen.
I'm a good girl.
I follow the rules.
And I'm further back than square one.
Did I mention I've done this alone?

now on this hill I'm a top
the mountains of life loom

I've been everybody else's girl.
When will I be my own?

I've tried the weathered path, no such luck
I've decided the path less traveled will do.
I guess I missed the memo about that not working either.

Now would be time to play hard
right?
I've worked hard
And I keep working
and working
and working
for what?

I'm at the base of the mountain
making no progress
suddenly cresting the hill doesn't seem so great.
And I'm having doubts that I'll survive
the many avalanches I'm encountering.

Again I'm alone
I've been everybody else's girl.
Now it's time to be my own.

I know what I want
I know what I need
I know where I want to go

What I don't know, is why I'm being held up.
At every turn of grand opportunity
And a peek of the other side
I'm knocked to the base of the mountain.

I've hit the ground so many times
a crater exists
my back aches
my mind aches
my hands and feet are in pain
from trying to hang on
the last fall cracked some ribs.
the fall before that injured my legs.
And as I'm coming down from this fall head first

Everything is going in slow motion
Do I get up from this fall and try again?
Or do I let the internal bleeding win
looking forward to the end?

"She's been everybody else's girl."
and that's all she's ever been.